I skipped work to stalk him.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
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Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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