I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
