Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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