Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
