he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
