tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
