Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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