um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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