I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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