Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
