you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
