ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
