I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
