im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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