I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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