I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I use my feet as sexual weapons
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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