I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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