do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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