Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
