Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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