Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
