Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
