id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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