did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
A+ Viking dick
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here