I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
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I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!