Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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