So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
