Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
