Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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