apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
