I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
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