Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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