Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
