Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
