put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
