I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
