No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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