my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My ATM looks so different sober.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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