I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
