I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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