We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
