just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
