OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
