Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
