look no pants
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
