Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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