found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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