i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Watching her eat just hurts me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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