i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
