my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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