I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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