he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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