I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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