I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
